- May 18th, 2014
I don't know what happened to me, I used to be such a happy person. Lately it feels like I can never do anything right...Sometimes I wonder if Im depressed. I don't think about suicide or anything like that...just to clarify.
I just feel alone. I feel like the only person that would care if I disappeared is my daughter. That keeps me going. The husband sleeps all day just so he can be awake to hang out with his friends later. He doesn't see anything wrong with that even though I try and tell him it bothers me. He gives me excuses about how he doesn't feel good, or his head is draining, but as soon as one of his friends call he is kosher...I don't get it. I thought part of getting married was so you never had to feel alone again, and it doesn't seem that has made a difference.
I have even told him I have thought about cheating on him, I have told him that I feel like Im only around to cook and clean and pay the bills. Of course he denies it. But I cant deny that my heart hurts and I get jealous when I see people shopping with their spouse or taking vacations because they have the money and Im stuck just barley making ends meet. I also know if I leave him, I don't know what he would do, his family has made a clear point he isn't welcome to go home. I love him enough to know I don't want him living on the street. But I wonder if he loves me enough?? Maybe Im over dramatizing things, but when he refuses to do things with me and then will go out with his friends, what am I supposed to think? I am just sad...
My best friend lost her brother Friday night to a car accident. She found out off of facebook. Which proves my point that its an evil thing. No one in her family thought to text or call her, but people posted on her page how they were sorry for her loss, and then she figured it out. Breaks my heart, I can't imagine the pain she is feeling.
I am in dire need of finding a new job. My current one blantently makes me feel used and abused....but I am having no luck. Its probably my crappy additude as of late. I mean I cant even spell tonight.
Well, I think Im gonna make a pizza and veg out watching tv.