Do You ever stop and think. Would my family be better with out me in it? Would they be better off and happier, if they could just like collect the life insurance??? Im currently wondering that. RIGHT NOW.

P.S Don't worry. I won't do anything stupid.

I want to be around for my baby.

Spoiled myself...
Bought myself a new camera the other day....Nikon...its pretty amazing.

Hope everyone is doing well...

Pretty sure my brain is shot....
I have the weirdest thoughts lately....I can't explain them...But for example one is that Sometimes I think what would it be like to cheat on my husband. I love him very much, but truth is he is the only guy i have ever been with my entire life. I wonder sometimes if Im missing out...Does that make me a terrible person??

I don't know what happened to me, I used to be such a happy person. Lately it feels like I can never do anything right...Sometimes I wonder if Im depressed. I don't think about suicide or anything like that...just to clarify.
I just feel alone. I feel like the only person that would care if I disappeared is my daughter. That keeps me going. The husband sleeps all day just so he can be awake to hang out with his friends later. He doesn't see anything wrong with that even though I try and tell him it bothers me. He gives me excuses about how he doesn't feel good, or his head is draining, but as soon as one of his friends call he is kosher...I don't get it. I thought part of getting married was so you never had to feel alone again, and it doesn't seem that has made a difference.
I have even told him I have thought about cheating on him, I have told him that I feel like Im only around to cook and clean and pay the bills. Of course he denies it. But I cant deny that my heart hurts and I get jealous when I see people shopping with their spouse or taking vacations because they have the money and Im stuck just barley making ends meet. I also know if I leave him, I don't know what he would do, his family has made a clear point he isn't welcome to go home. I love him enough to know I don't want him living on the street. But I wonder if he loves me enough?? Maybe Im over dramatizing things, but when he refuses to do things with me and then will go out with his friends, what am I supposed to think? I am just sad...

My best friend lost her brother Friday night to a car accident. She found out off of facebook. Which proves my point that its an evil thing. No one in her family thought to text or call her, but people posted on her page how they were sorry for her loss, and then she figured it out. Breaks my heart, I can't imagine the pain she is feeling.

I am in dire need of finding a new job. My current one blantently makes me feel used and abused....but I am having no luck. Its probably my crappy additude as of late. I mean I cant even spell tonight.

Well, I think Im gonna make a pizza and veg out watching tv.
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Have you ever felt just exhausted? Exhausted of trying to be happy, exhausted of life...

just sucks...Im tired of life being so hard.

Pretty sure I just gave both of us a headache....
I am to the point of not knowing myself anymore...I think the husband has a crush on a girl at the bar he plays darts, she's a bar tender. We went out for drinks last saturday. She showed up and gave my husband a hug, came up to me, played like she knew who I was...I gave her the "I'd rather gouge out my own eyes than allow you to continue talking to me" look. She left shortly after that. I wish he could understand why I don't care for the bitch...And i don't know why I get so stupid jealous because I know he would never cheat on me. Im thinking its just one of those typical womanly reactions to another woman comming near her man...but then at the same time things like him "falling asleep" and not getting our daughter on the bus today made me want to punch him in the junk....this makes me so confused.....Im like a big fat roll of fucked up hormones today...None of this shit makes sense...

Pretty Sure I just gave both of us a headache...

Feeling lonely...whats new?
My life has been crazy, and Im pretty sure that is an understatement. Today I put my daughter on the bus and went to crawl back into bed with the husband only to realize he was covering the entire bed. So trying to be nice, I decided to take a shower and find other things to do. After I took a shower, i decided to put plastic on the windows as it has been really cold. (yup i know its december) Then the stupid dog thought it would be a good idea to bark at me every ten seconds. So I decided well I guess I have to chill till he gets up bc again I didn't want to wake him up. I end up falling asleep on the couch...3 hours later I wake up to, "Couldn't even lay with me, Had to sleep on the couch, and now we waisted the entire day"...WTF.
We had to run to dubuque, had to pick up a few christmas presents and the entire time he was short tempered and shit. I felt like I was two inches tall. At one point I said "your phone's ringing" and was told "I don't care! Im spending time with you!" swear to it, 30 seconds later he was on his phone talkin to his friend. Tonight is my only day off all week. I was hoping for "family" time like an idiot...I ask what was his plans for the night? He says "Oh, i thought you where leaving, there is laundry to do you know, I have friends coming over." WTF x2!!!

Is there something wrong with me? I am waiting for my health insurance to re-instate and am pretty sure I am going to ask to see a therapist because I really think his additude is fucking with my head. I find myself agreeing to things I never normally would at work. I just let everyone push me around. I constantly feel like a fat waist of space...Im pretty sure he doesn't realize how much the crap he says and twists things is screwing with my head. if this was a relationship that had just started I would bail, but we have been together 16 years. Found out earlier this year that he is bi-polar. So I know some of the mood swings are not his fault.
But I feel like when do I get a break? When does someone care about how I feel??
I need a beer...who wants to go for a drink?

Well I discovered tonight that my Facebook aaccount is the topic of discussion at my inlaws...

well it was promptly deleted.

life's just weird lately.

(no subject)
I've never felt so alone in my life...

(no subject)
If life with me is so aweful that ur sick around me and then laughing and whatever with ur friends...maybe you should move out...


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